1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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