Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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