So many bounce houses so little time
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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