when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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