hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
