Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
