areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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