the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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