I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize