Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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