Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize