Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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