My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
