i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
