Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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