Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
