It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
