And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
