I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
