so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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