u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize