I hate your face
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize