she woke up with a sticky ear
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
