Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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