I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
do nipples grow back?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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