The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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