Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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