One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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