What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
