a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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