Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My bed smells like the plague
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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