WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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