I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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