Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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