I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
