My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
