Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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