She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
