I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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