im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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