why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
