1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
