Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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