My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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