Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was CRYING into my vagina
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
