Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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