i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
