I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
