"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
