ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
