the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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