puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize