I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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