the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
