so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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