He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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