i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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