I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
