She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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