What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
