chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
