I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
