I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
