I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
