someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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