Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
