So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
