i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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